I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
