you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
