Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
