well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
