just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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