Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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