God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
