Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
