I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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