I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
