so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
