Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
