please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
