I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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