i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
