90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
