I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
