I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
