i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
