Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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