i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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