Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
