Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
