apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
