I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
