I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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