I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
