1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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