my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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