Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
