A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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