I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
