the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
