She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
