Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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