Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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