She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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