I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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