he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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