I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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