Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize