a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
