Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
