saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
