Sponge bath it is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
