I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
