you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
