So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
