i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
