i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
