He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
