just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
