it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
