don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
