you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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