Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize